Smarts

Most folks do what they're supposed to do; graduate high school. The vast majority here in the US usually at least get their high school diploma. Not everyone, but most.



And then there are those who, for various reasons, just... don't. They either drop out at some point or they don't graduate because of grades or unfinished projects. There's nothing really wrong with that... it's life. It makes life harder, I think, and limits your options, yeah, but it's not the worst thing ever.



I am one of those that dropped out. My reasons are varied, but suffice to say, I thought that school was a waste of time and I had better things to do. I didn't dislike school, really. It was more that I didn't care. I was indifferent. I had very little interest in what went on in the classroom. I was there physically, but I spent more time inside my head than I did giving the teachers my attention. I read a lot of books, and therefore knew a lot, but what I knew didn't really matter when it came to tests and homework.



So my grades sucked. I mean, really sucked. Homework was not something I did. I would take the books home, but... they would stay in my backpack til I brought them back to school the next day. I didn't study. I didn't want to.



I always meant to, but somehow, just never got around to it. I had better things to do. Like, read. Watch TV. Work. And, of course, hang with my friends.



Usual teen stuff. Usual teen logic.



Suffice to say, it really wasn't a surprise when I dropped out.



I meant to get my diploma through continuation school, but that didn't happen. Same reasons as above, but mostly, I just didn't care all that much.



So I did what I did, which is work, hang with my friends, read my books, go to movies... and just lived life. I moved out at 17, and turned 18, and thought about getting my GED, but... well, I had a new boyfriend. I was busy.



I can honestly say that I never once thought about diplomas, the GED, or college during the next year and a half. I can honestly say that I was not remotely interested in anything that had to do with education.



When I was 19, I got pregnant. Yeah, because I needed more of a life challenge, right? Anyway, I did make an attempt to get my GED at that time, but... I was overwhelmed by what was happening to me, and really, I still wasn't all that interested. I never took the test. I only took one prep class, and just didn't go back. I had too much going on at the time. At least, that's what I told myself.



Life went on. I had a job, I rented a room from a friend, I had a life. I met the father of three of my four (future) children, and we got married, moved into an apartment, had baby number two. I quit my job, and went about the business of being a wife and mother. I did the mom-thing twice more before I was done... and by that point, so was my marriage.



I didn't have the most supportive husband ever, and getting the GED wasn't something I entertained with any seriousness at time. I had four small children, a crumbling marriage, our finances were a complete joke, and life was really hard. Stepping out of my little box was NOT something that was going to happen right then. At least, that's what I told myself.



Fast forward a few years. Re-married to a great guy, my children are older and our finances are a little better. Still, I didn't go back and do anything about that whole GED thing. I wanted to, more and more, but for whatever reason, I continued to hold myself back.



Bottom line, I never thought that I COULD do it. I wasn't exactly brimming over with self-confidence, and I have issues with trying new things. I don't like to step out of my little box. My corner of the world is cozy and safe and KNOWN. My education ignorance, while not something I liked, was KNOWN. I knew how to operate and function within these self-imposed parameters. I knew my limitations, and while I didn't like them, I UNDERSTOOD them. I could live with it, because that's what I CHOSE. At least, that's what I told myself.



Make sense at all?



And that's where I was for a long, long time.



Well. Somethings changed.



When I was a kid, if you asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, my answer was the same. A teacher and a writer. As an adult, when asked, "what would your dream job be?" on those little MySpace quizzes, my answer is "a teacher and a published author". As a kid, I thought that was an attainable dream.



As an adult, operating within the parameters that I lived in as a (formally) uneducated adult, I knew that that dream was exactly that; a dream. Unattainable by my present circumstances. Or so I told myself.



I was too chicken to do anything about changing it. I was too afraid to step out there and go for it. I was too scared.



Until I wasn't.



One day, I decided that I wanted to go to school. I was sick of being held back by such limitations. More, I was TIRED of being held back by ME. My own worst enemy... ME. I didn't need anyone to put me in a little box and keep me there; I was doing it to myself. I wasn't reaching out for more, for better, for anything.



My little box suddenly seems too small and too confining. It doesn't feel safe anymore... it feels like its pressing me down.



I want more. I want better.



Last nite, I went to the GED orientation. I start taking the test on the first of July. I'll take my last test on the eighth. There are five separate tests.



And three weeks after that, I will have the GED certificate. And guess what? That's the key that unlocks the lock and lets me out of this damn little box. All I have to do is do it. All I have to do is get past being afraid to be a little successful. All I have to do is take the first step... and that unattainable dream suddenly doesn't seem so unattainable anymore.



I'll have options. My parameters will broaden. I'll be able to take bigger steps, go further, do things I thought I had given up on doing.



That's what I keep telling myself.